I was in the tiny school kitchen putting away dishes after a fundraiser when she walked in dressed in heels, made up, with jewelry on, carrying one child in a carrier, under her arm a 3-ply board like the kind you see at a science fair, and motioning to her daughter and an older son to move on into the hallway.

“We’re trying to do this nurtured heart thing, so we are late  because of him. “ She said stressed and pissed to the office lady who happens to be my neighbor too.

“At least we are here, but we are late, and we better not be late again.  I told him so…” The little boy’s head was hanging now.

He was wearing a bright green t-shirt and I could see the word “Science Fair Winner” on it. I cringed internally. How dare she claimed to do the nurtured heart.

She went back out to her car and I went to him and told him that I noticed his green shirt with the words winner on it, and I noticed how all three were standing together so unified, like a tribe, all the while Mom was gone.  (i was feeling happy and smug.)

She returned. I told her, “I think you may have a scientist on your hands.” He went bounding out now to his class and she smiled quickly and left with the other two.

I went to my office lady neighbor friend (this is a small town), and whispered. “Geez. I felt so bad for the kid….” And she said “Yeah, I think she missed something in the training.” And we laughed a little nervously together.

And then I did what I tell people not to do. I gossiped.  My eyes kind of wide and imploring her to listen to my story, I said:  “So last night I was at this NHA event and this teacher I know said she had some parents who were also there but they really didn’t know how to do ‘nurtured heart’…

“Maybe they are trying to make some changes?” I said.

“No, they aren’t doing it!” she insisted and rolled the eyes.

“Well, everyone has to start somewhere, you know?”  ….

“No, they really aren’t doing it!” she doubly insisted this time with an in breath.

And so I just had to tell office lady neighbor friend that this teacher just didn’t get it.  I had to roll my eyes at the memory of her.  And then there I stood a moment, so obviously stuck in my own not having gotten it.  

In breath for me.

I had more cups to put away, and a quick errand to run across the hall. I went on my way and saw the mom with the three kids. I stopped her I let her have it. 

“Hey, you have three kids huh?”

“Yeah”

“Wow, and you have time to get yourself pulled together. Look at you, your hair is even curled, and you have that nice jewelry on” (she’s younger than me, I feel I can pour this on safely). She starts to smile.

“And you had time to make a 3-ply board for the science fair?” Then I shut up.

Then she beamed and said something I didn’t hear cause I was immersed in my own happiness that had I shifted my energy from whanwhanwhan to zippitydodahzippityyay. 

I went back to the office and asked my friend if I could do a redo, to which she immediately said “yes of course” and then gave me her undivided attention.

“So I was at this NHA event last night and a teacher came up to me and she was discouraged and I didn’t have the right words to say."  In breath. "But next time maybe I wil!.”

My friend beamed at me with her approval, my heart opened.   And we back on to our days. 

It was a gorgeous summer day, I was in my back yard talking to a therapist from Houston, choking back some tears. Should I go to this NHA intensive training? Could I afford it? Could I find somebody to take care of my mother? What about the children? Was it responsible to spend that kind of money? What was I doing with my life?

And then it hit me that I had to sign up for this five day training thing for no other reason than to nurture my own heart. I had to do it for me.

When I got there I think I was one of two women and one grandmother who were “just” parents. Most everyone else had a professional connection to this work. It was a transformative week. The fact that I knew this was going to benefit my children and our relationship was at this point merely a plus.

I found NHA about 8 months prior. I had wanted to present a whole different set of parenting techniques to parents at my childrens’ school, a set of techniques that had gotten me out of some deep dark woods (ie, fights, threats, meltdowns, and showdowns) and into a more stable disciplined environment. The only trouble now was that we (my son, my daughter, and I) basically hated each other. So when the principal suggested I listen to some tapes by Howard Glasser based on his book, “Transforming the Difficult Child” I did.  

Now, over more than two years, I’ve immersed myself in this work either as a parent or a coach to other parents -- sometimes just fitting it in amidst my responsibilities as a caregiver and a bookkeeper, sometimes devoting hours to it in a volunteer capacity, but always applying it to my life because it is about so much more than transforming a difficult child, although it needs not be anything more than that to be fantastic, and it is. (Believe me, I know from years of experience that nothing can be sweeter than transforming a difficult child if he or she happens to be yours….except taking that transformation and applying it right to your own self. That is equally sweet.)

Feb. 20th 2014 ANNOUNCEMENT:


Hi! So. This website is about to change. I love this website, but I have been changing so now I need to change it. In the meantime, here are three important announcements: One, if you live in Chico, CA, Blue Oak School is having a FREE Nurtured Heart Series beginning February 27th, 2014 at 6pm. Two, please SAVE THE DATE because, the wise and wonderous Howard Glasser, founder of the Nurtured Heart Approach is coming to Chico APRIL 9th, 2014 to share some inspiration. I'll write more when I know more. IT'S GOING TO BE GREAT TO WELCOME HIM HERE TO CHICO.

Three, I've started a finance makeover, with a new facebook page called, uh,  MY FINANCE MAKEOVER.  I'll be writing every day about my progress toward transitioning my finances: from a big bank to a local bank; from a big bank's credit card to a socially conscious credit card (the credit card itself will not be conscious ); from a typical stock market plus bonds investment "strategy" to a new purpose altogether for the money my brother left me when he died (thank you www.slowmoney.org); from a water-sucking non-drought friendly landscape to fruit trees, raised garden beds and feeding the soil around the land on which my house sits. (Land and Money are connected.) 

Well, thank you so much for your  individual and collective passion, widsom, integrity, intelligence, fortitude, and resilience. You nurture me. 


END OF Feb. 20th, 2014 ANNOUNCEMENT

Let’s be clear, more than a few days have passed between Day Six and Seven. A kind of time warp, a white hole that sucked in a bunch of other seemingly non-related events. This day is a Sunday, March 9th, 2014 and the central lesson to myself is: Do one thing at time. Do it with your whole attention.

People have been asking me (by people I mean my mother), “Why are you changing banks?” I say something like “big banks bad, small banks better.” And she nods. Ah. And we go on, until she asks me again, having forgotten my clear and descriptive answer. 

This morning I have a new answer. It’s not my own. It’s a collective answer from my gut, that place within that is connected to everything that came before me and everything that will come after me (theplaceoffoodmeetspoop).

I’m changing banks because: 1) I feel better believing that I could in theory at least meet the owner(s) of a bank versus 2) I feel crappy thinking  that there are too many of them to know (shareholders), all of whom have no personal direct responsibilty to me nevermind the slightest interest in actually meeting me.

There are too many people who owning/buying/selling tiny portions of those big banks for me to comprehend. (And as a matter of fact, I'm one of the them who doesn't want to meet me.) It's all too confusing. (See Finance Makeover To Do List: Sell  your Wells Fargo Stock)

Have you ever fantasized about winning a million dollars? It’s just at that amount of money that I can imagine “owning” and doing something with it that makes me feel a little (ok a lot) of pleasure. But a billion dollars? I slip off into worry and fear when I consider a billion dollars. What would I do with it, would I be plagued with worry and concern that I wasn’t doing enough good or the wrong good? How many people would try to get some of it from me, how many closets of neatly pressed Gap clothing would I have to clean?  A million feels very good. A billion? No so much. I guess that’s just my small imagination.

Pause.

Here is a paraphrase by Charles Eisenstein, a self-proclaimed ordinary man: ‘Why does it hurt when we hear about the last rainforests being destroyed? When we listen to the news on Syria or Ukraine or ___(fill in the blank)_________. Why does it hurt when we hear that the last blue bellied angel frog died last night on a lonely road in Kansas? WHY? Because WE ARE the last rainforest, the Syrians, the Ukrainians, and the frogs.’

So that’s why I’m changing banks and making over my financial habits. I feel in my gut that the I am is connected to the You are and the WE ARE. And denial hurts.



On my It's-all-connected-finance makeover-to-do-list for this week:

Sell your Wells-Fargo stock.

Take Mom to hospital to have heart shocked with paddles to put her in better heart rhythm.

Change appt time for planting-CA native-plants consultation.

Don’t forget about enjoying the expensive makeup from the rainforest you bought on the mall trip that was recommended by Dr Oz. (Wear it!).

When eating or drinking (including snacking and grazing), sit down and do only that.