It's late at night and this is about money.
I'm exhausted. But. I. Think. I. Finally. Did. It.
I think I cracked a certain nut I've been working on for years. And God help me for daring to say so, but I think I really have made a huge stride.
There was a trip I wanted to go on. And it will cost some money. And I began to plan it - unconsciously. In other words, I didn't know if I had the money to do it or not, but I was just going to do it.
It's a really worthy trip - cousins coming in from France... they'll be visiting us first up here in Chico...but this was gonna be an add-on with children involved, maybe once in a lifetime I'm telling my selves.... see the big city... go to the beach ... speak some French... get the hell out of dodge.
So I called my sister...
The thing is she and I get along great. Really, really, great. Except for this issue of money sometimes can be dicey. There's lots of understandable reasons for it. Family concerns, mother's money is involved, etc.
However, on my end, the biggest reason for the dicey-ness? It's that nut that hasn't been quite cracked open enough....so I often reach out and talk to her when I need that diceyness to stir the nuts in my pot.
It's rarely pleasant for either of us.
This time though, she's really busy, with big stuff that doesn't concern our side of the family, so she didn't get very dicey with me. I think she was too tired....but it was just enough dicey detachment that after our conversation I had to sit with myself, and that stillness turned out to be just enough to make me ask myself -
"Erica, do you really have the money?"
I'm laughing. Cause something funny and embarrassing happened after that.
I asked myself that question, and then I looked at my books, books which I've been pounding and kneading and kneading and pounding over the last three days (more on that in a minute) and I "found" some money that I had forgotten about. A nice tidy sum that I believed my ex-husband had given me - a special ex-wife bonus from his tax return (we still share a bank account and occasionally he deposits something additional to the monthly child support).
But, as it turns out, this was an error on my part, and when I talked to him tonight about this trip I wanted to go on and how great it was that I had the extra money thanks to him, he said "Nah, I didn't do that...I saw your thank you email, but I thought that was for the take-out food I bought for Nat's birthday (She is a TEENAGER now....).
It was embarrassing. Perhaps he was thinking, "Yeah, like I'm gonna give her anything extra."
So I fixed my bookkeeping mistake. In fact, it was just an asset transfer. And I stuck with my process, a process I've been at in many ways for many years.... my latest rendition and my best attempt at forming a budget and keeping track of my income and expenses, all so I can make conscious decisions around spending and saving and working and all the rest of it.
Well, thanks to some intense FOCUS of late I'm in fact feeling very grateful and quite proud right now.
I have 1) my books online and hooked up to my banks, downloading while I sleep 2) my P&L so smooth that when I look at it the categories make me sing 3) a spreadsheet template (my son's is complete) for others to use, made especially for kids but great for adults with simple finances 4) a plan in place to tie the delivery of my children's allowance with some weekly bookkeeping designed to help me (and others hopefully) keep those darlings financially responsible and accountable 5) a budget - honed - and living in my new version of Excel (yes all of this wound up necessitating a new version of Office and a new computer to pull off) 6) a more realistic view of what I am actually capable of if I'm not going to completely destroy my adrenal glands with stress 7) and a bunch of other stuff.
and oh yes
OH YES YES YES
...the Nurtured Heart piece.
It's totally infused in all of this.
One of the things I did (included in #7 above) was create a weekly (could be used daily) written check-in to set and track goals and objectives related to home finance. For coaching.
AND all-important? A record of Greatness qualities that I am manifesting in relation to these goals. (I chose Brilliant Thinking and Bravery.)
AND also included is a place to record (and therefore discuss with myself) my negativity leaks and the new brilliant, bedazzling, and hard freaking won clarity I can use to repair those leaks.
My Clarity tonight?
No one is going to make me do this but me.
My sister is not in any way my personal prison guard never has been and never will be.
I am feeling R E L I E F .
And a little bit of new energy to recommit to my purpose.
What I really want to do? What I've wanted since 2006, when the shit hit the fan...has been to get in alignment inside my body... and find my financial integrity. I felt it like a current back then and it's been bouncing around ever since looking for proper grounding. I want to take what I know and what I've learned from my life as a humble bookkeeper, combine that with what I've learned as a humbled parent, and help children and families, mothers and fathers and old people and anyone else who wants it, to see the beauty and the magic in financial integrity. And I can't do that unless I do it too.
Thank you for reading. xo.